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Thread: Share your Jokes!

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    The blonde is flying along, in a two-seater airplane, with her Pilot.

    All of a sudden the Pilot has heart attack and dies.
    She frantically calls a "May Day!"

    "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My Pilot had a heart attack and is dead, and I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

    All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying, "This is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it.
    I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax. Everything will be fine!
    " Please indicate your height and present position."

    She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."

    "O.K." says the voice from the tower, " Now repeat after me, Our Father, Who art in Heaven ........."

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    Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering.

    The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it. A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head.

    The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse."

    "But Father, I have a divine right," she informs.

    "Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter this church!" he insists.

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    Default For the cats and dogs!



    WHAT PETS WRITE IN THEIR DIARIES
    A Dog's Diary........


    8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
    9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
    9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
    10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
    12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!
    1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
    3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
    5:00 PM - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
    7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
    8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
    11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

    A Cat's Diary...


    Day 983 of my captivity....

    My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

    Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

    The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

    Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.
    B@st@rds.

    There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

    Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

    I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

    The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.........

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    A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

    The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

    "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

    "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

    "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

    "Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked..

    "Are you NUTS?!?!?" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!!!"

    "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

    The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

    The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and golf."

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    Thanks Aaron!!!! These are some really great jokes you posted. Having grown up Catholic, I appreciated the humor. The Dog and Cat contrast on this page really is priceless!

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    Keep 'em coming!!!!

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    Brody previously posted:
    "Thank you, Aaron! those were fun!"

    x2

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    Not to kill the "good joke vibe"... but: (this one has to be read out-loud)

    Two peanuts were walking down the street; one was a salted

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    Pathrat previously posted:
    "Having grown up Catholic, I appreciated the humor."

    Same here!!! I remember having to have something on your head before entering the church! My mom used to pin doilies or napkins on our heads!!! (I'm NOT kidding). I'm dyin' laughing here!

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    As a "lapsed Catholic" I recall those days too. I recall quite well my mother shuffling around in her bathrobe telling us to go to church. "Why aren't you going, Mom" We quickly saw through the "I went a 6am."

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    Bill worked in a pickle factory.
    He had been employed there for a number of years when
    he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion...
    He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

    His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist
    to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.
    He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
    One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife
    could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
    'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
    'Do you remember that I told you how I had this
    tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
    'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
    'Yes, I did.' he replied...
    'My God, Bill, what happened?'
    'I got fired.'
    'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
    'Oh...she got fired too. '

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    A man boarded a plane with six kids.

    After they got settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"

    "No." he replied, "I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

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    Why Do I Like Retirement !!!

    Question: How many days in a week?
    Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday



    Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
    Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.


    Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
    Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.



    Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
    Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.


    Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
    Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.



    Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
    Answer: Tied shoes.


    Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
    Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.



    Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
    Answer: NUTS!


    Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
    Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.



    Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
    Answer: Normal.


    Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
    Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.


    Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
    Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents..



    Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
    Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.



    And, my very favourite.....
    QUESTION: What do you do all week?
    Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.

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    SERENITY



    Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
    'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied...
    'Two years older than me'
    'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..
    She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?






    Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
    'And what do you think is the best thing
    about being 104?' the reporter asked..
    She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'






    The nice thing about being senile is
    you can hide your own Easter eggs

    and have fun finding them.






    I've sure gotten old!
    I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
    new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
    I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
    take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia.
    Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
    Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
    I still have my driver's license.






    I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
    so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
    I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on,
    the class was over.






    An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Woolworths. 'Woolworths?' the preacher exclaimed.
    'Why Woolworths?'
    'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'

    ( you can substitute Walmart in the place of Woolworths)



    My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
    Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.


    Know how to prevent sagging?
    Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

    It's scary when you start making the same noises
    as your coffee maker.



    These days about half the stuff
    in my shopping cart says,
    'For fast relief.'

    THE SENILITY PRAYER :
    Grant me the senility to forget the people
    I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference..

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    On the same subject:

    What is the difference between a 90 year old and a 19 year old?

    Depends...

    What does a 90 year old woman have between her breasts that a 19 year old woman doesn't?

    Her navel..

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    Thanks Aaron!

    Barb & I are adopting this one - Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, we rest.

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    5 pearls of Scottish wisdom to remember into the New Year.. .

    1. Money cannot buy happiness but somehow, it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes Benz than on a bicycle.

    2. Forgive your enemy but remember the b@st@rd’s name.

    3. Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.

    4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.

    5. Alcohol does not solve any problem, but then neither does milk.

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    THE BLONDE AND THE LORD



    A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject,

    and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

    After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular

    cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,




    "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"




    Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of

    cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens

    the voice bellowed,




    "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"




    The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of

    the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.


    The voice came once more,




    "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"




    She stopped, looked skyward! and said,




    "IS THAT YOU LORD?"




    The voice replied,




    "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK!"

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    A good ole Arkansas boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing. He brought
    it home and his wife looks at him and says, "What you gonna do
    with that. There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100
    miles of here."

    ... He says, "I won it and I'm a gonna keep it."

    His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and
    asks where his brother is. She says, "He's out there in his
    bass boat",pointing to the field behind the house.

    The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother sitting in
    a bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand down in the middle of
    a big field. He yells out to him, "What are you doing?"

    His brother replies, "I'm fishin. What does it look like I'm a doing."

    His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from Arkansas
    a bad name, makin everybody think we is stupid. If I could swim, I'd
    come out there and whip your ass

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    I'm trying to keep it one for one. As penance, I will post my Rodney Dangerfield collection:

    I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. Well, I told him I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

    I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

    When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

    Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.

    With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

    What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!

    Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.

    I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.

    My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

    I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

    One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

    I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

    My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.

    When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."

    I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!

    My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

    My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

    My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

    My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

    When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

    I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

    One year they wanted to make me poster boy... for birth control.

    I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

    My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

    Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."

    I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, "On your mark..."

    When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

    I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.

    My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

    Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!

    I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.

    One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

    This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.

    I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

    My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

    It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

    My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

    Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

    A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

    A hooker once told me she had a headache.

    I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

    If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.

    I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

    I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

    I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

    I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

    I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.

    I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint--a Saint Bernard!

    I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

    During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

    My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

    One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy...why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early."

    I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

    I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.

    My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"

    I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot!

    When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

    And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing to play with!

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