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[Funrover]

A Story of Creation

In the beginning, God created heaven and earth.

Shortly thereafter God was in receipt of a notice to show cause why he shouldn't be cited for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary planning permit for the project, but was stymied by a Cease and Desist Order for the earthly part.

At the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.

Then God said, "Let there be light."

Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would it require strip mining? What about thermal pollution?

God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire, and provisional approval was granted with the proviso that no smoke would result.

The authorities demanded the issuance of a building permit, and (to conserve energy) required that the light be left off half the time. God agreed, saying he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night." Officials replied that they were only interested in protecting the environment, not in semantics.

God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed."

The EPA agreed, so long as only native seed was used.

Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth."

Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.

Everything went along smoothly until God declared that he intended to complete the project in six days.

Officials informed God it would take at least 200 days to review his many waiver applications and environmental impact statements. After that there would have to be a public hearing, and then there would be a 10-12 month probationary period before....

At this point, God created Hell.

[Funrover]

An Australian, an Irishman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. It was a man. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar.

They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out "My God, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!" The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman call out, "Hey!, you!!! Are you Jesus?" The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus" he says. The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me." So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table. Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks.

The Englishman then calls out, "Errr, excuse me Sir, but would you be Jesus?" Jesus smiles and says, "Yes, I am Jesus." The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.

Then the Australian calls out, "Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus,or what?" Jesus nods and says, "Yes, I am Jesus." The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a stubbie of Victoria Bitter for Jesus, which he accepts with pleasure.

Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement."Oh God, the arthritis is gone," he says. "The arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock. "By jove", he exclaims, " The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then approaches the Australian, who has a terrified look on his face.

The Aussie whispers ... "F*** off mate, I'm on Workers Comp"

[Funrover]

CATHOLIC COFFEE MORNING IN ROME

Four old Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him
'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him
'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says
'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him
'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, The four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
























She proudly replies,
I have a daughter,


SLIM & TALL

40 D Breasts

24" WAIST and

34" HIPS


























When she walks into a room, people say,

“ Oh MY God”

[Funrover]

Subject: SLEEPING WITH MICK





The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Mick, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.


The first guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Mick snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Mick shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Bill's turn. He was a tanned, older biker, a man's man.. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.


"Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Mick into bed, patted him on the arse, and kissed him good night on the lips. Mick sat up and watched me all night."

With age comes wisdom!

[Funrover]

The phone rings and the lady of the house
answers,

"Hello."

"Mrs. Sanders,
please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Sanders, this is
Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory.
When your husband's doctor
sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders
arrived as well....
We are now uncertain which one belongs to your
husband.
Frankly, either way the results are not too
good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks
nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for
Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV.
We can't tell
which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test
again?" questioned Mrs.Sanders.

"Normally we can, but
MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests
once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do
now?"

"The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommend that you drop your
husband off somewhere in the middle of town.

If he finds his
way home, don't sleep with him.

[Popsgarage]

God, a highway to Hawaii and understanding women.

[Funrover]

Holy Prostitutes

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son? '

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

[Funrover]

It's Hell to be Old

OLD people have problems that you haven't
even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing.
Soaked it in hot water ,still nothing
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing..'

The doctor was shocked!


'You asked your neighbour?'

The old man replied,

'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

[Funrover]

A little girl walks in to the living room one Sunday morning while her Dad is reading the paper.

"Where does poo come from?" she asks.
The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says: "Well you know we just ate breakfast?"


"Yes," answers the girl.

"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our butts when we go to the toilet, and that is poo."

The little girl looks shocked, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds before asking:
"And Tigger?"

[Funrover]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job. One was *** and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the *** guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. However one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, I'll fire you on the spot!

[Funrover]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My *elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
*"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies."There's *a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the *computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
*It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a*
*doctor."
*So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
*He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine *sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
*Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow.*
*Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two *weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."
*That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began *wondering if the computer could be fooled.
*He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his *wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
*Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten *dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)*
*2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
*3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
*4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
*5 . If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get *better!
*Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

[Funrover]

Funny Quotes

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
--Tom Clancy

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
--Steve Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
--Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
--Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal,
particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
--Lynn Lavner

"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
--Matt Barry

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
--Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
--George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
--Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading."
--Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****."
--Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
--Barbara Bush
(Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
--Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
--Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
--Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
--Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
--Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
--Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
--Rod Stewart

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
--Robin Williams

"Getting married for free sex is like buying a jumbo jet for the free peanuts"
-- Jef Foxworthy

[Funrover]

The minds of Engineers:


So 2 engineers are taking a break at work when one of them says, "Wow I had an interesting weekend!"*

The other one asks what happened. The first engineer explains, "Well I was walking my dog on Saturday when a beautiful young girl on a bike rides up to me, stops, gets off the bike, strips down naked and says, 'You can doing anything you want to me. You can have all of this.'"

The second guy asks, "What did you do?"

The first engineer say, "Well I took the bike. What would you have done?"


The second engineer says, "I would of taken the bike too. Her clothes wouldn't of fit."

[Funrover]

An engineer, a priest and a doctor are all playing golf. They are stuck at a hole because the golfers in front of them are bumbling around unable to apparently see anything. The caddy senses their frustration and tells the trio "that group up there recently lost their eyesight in an accident at the country club, so the owner allows them to play anytime for free"

The Priest then says "I will pray that the good lord will return their vision"
The Doc says, "I will see if there are any new medications to help with their recovery"
The Engineer is still annoyed and says "why the hell can't they play at night"

[Funrover]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

[Funrover]

This nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walks into a bar.She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, 'What man out there will buy a lady a drink?' The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, 'Bartender, I want to buy that ballerina a drink!' The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down.

After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit and saying, 'What man out there will buy a lady a drink?' Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, 'Bartender, I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!'

After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and states, 'It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?' The drunk replies, 'Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!'

[Funrover]

Two guys are moving about in a supermarket when their carts collide.
One says to the other, "Excuse me, but I'm looking for my wife."
"What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate."
"Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?"
"She's tall, with long dark hair, long legs, firm breasts, and a tight rear end.
What's your wife look like?"
"Never mind, let's look for yours!"

[Funrover]

In a recent bar quiz I totally embarrassed myself!

The question was: Where do the majority of women have curly hair?

I got it wrong.

Apparently it's Africa

[Funrover]

Here is a local Colorado Joke:

A Californian, a Texan, and a Coloradan are all sitting around a campfire.

The Californian rumages through his pack and produces a fine vintage of Napa Wine. He gently uncorks the bottle, sniffs the cork, takes a delicate sip, pours the rest of the wine on the ground, throws the bottle in the air and shoots it with his pistol. He says "we have so much wine i do not care the slightest"

The Texan then pulls out a bottle of aged wiskey, takes a large gulp, throws the bottle high in the air, and shoots it with his revolver. He says "we got so much of that i don't give a hoot"

The Coloradan than produces a micro-brew from his pack, opens the bottle. He enjoys his beer eyeballing the californian and texan, who now seem sad they waisted their drinks. Once he downs the last gulp he shoots both the californian and texan, and pulls another beer from his pack. He then says "We have plenty of both of them, but i would never waste a good beer"

[Funrover]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. 'Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely... ' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - back ?