What time is bedtime at Michael Jacksons house? When the big hand is on the little hand!
What time is bedtime at Michael Jacksons house? When the big hand is on the little hand!
A young man was dating three women and had decided it was time to marry and had to make a decision between the three. He decided to give them a little test. He gave each woman a gift of $5,000 and watched to see what they did with the money.
The first woman did a total makeover. She went to a fancy beautysalon for a totally new look, got her hair done, new make up and bought several new outfits and dressed up very nicely for the man. She told him that she had done this to be more attractive for him because sheloved him so much. The man was touched and impressed with her devotion to him.
The second woman went shopping to buy the man gifts. She got him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some beautiful expensive clothes. As she presented these gifts, she told him that she spent all the money on him because she loved him so much. Again, the man was touched and impressed.
The third woman invested the money in the stock market and earned several times the original $5,000. She gave him back his $5,000 and reinvested the remaining in a joint account. She told him that she wanted to save for their future because she loved him somuch. Obviously, the man was again touched and impressed.
The man was faced with a difficult decision. He thought a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her and how much each one loved him. Then he married the one with the biggest boobs.
The Guys' Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this
all down.
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers
to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a
problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two
ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows
default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an
answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely
anything you wear is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about
unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
A Catholic guy goes into the confessional box in Dublin, after years being away from the Church.
There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the shelf of one wall, is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates,
the other wall has pornographic pictures of a buxom blond.
He hears a priest come in:
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession; but I must first admit that the confessional box is much
more inviting than it used to be”.
"Get out, you idiot. You're on my side," the priest replies.
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it is like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. St Peter checks his dossier and says "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"
Satan replies "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
A lawyer and a bishop die and arrive at the pearly gates. St Peter welcomes them and shows them to their quarters. He leads the bishop down into what amounts to a nice efficiency apartment, and a basement one, at that. He makes sure the bishop knows where everything is and then leads the lawyer away. He takes the lawyer up to this beautiful penthouse with a sauna, whirlpool, views and just about what everything that you can imagine. (Neither one being my idea of what heaven, if there even is such a thing, would be, but this is the way the joke goes...)
The bishop, when he gets word of this is a bit irate and looks up St Peter to complain. "What is going on here? There must be some mistake! I dedicated my whole existence to the church and the lord and feel that I deserve better than this!" St. Peter looks at him and says," You have to understand that we get a huge number of people from the church here. All manner of priests, bishops and so on. This just happens to be the very first lawyer that we have ever gotten in heaven..."
The lack of some capitalization on my part is purposeful....PB
Oh, my...
That awkward moment when someone from the past looks like someone from the present! MATT!
woow.. thats ALMOST inapropriate haha
took a minute
must be taken in Thailand
Once again I say "Oh, my..."!
What to hear a joke?
Women's Rights.
My teachers love that one!
*Want i hate auto correct
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?" "Well, It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...And pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.