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Thread: Share your Jokes!

  1. #41
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    A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:

    ... I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?

    My wife's.

    What happened to her?
    She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her.

    He inquired further, But who is in the second hearse?

    The man answered, My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.

    A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

    Can I borrow the dog?

    The man replied, Get in line.
    ___________
    •|||||||• "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did." Mark Twain

  2. #42

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    Hahahahahaha Gary! Made my day!

  3. #43

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    A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.

    "What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"

    "Throw out an anchor, sir," the student replied.

    "What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"

    "Throw out another anchor, sir."

    "And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked the captain.

    "Throw out another anchor, sir."

    "Hold on," said the captain. "Where are you getting all those anchors from?"

    "From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."

  4. #44

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    The problem with the Iraqi army is that they were using Russian defense tactics:

    1. Engage the enemy.

    2. Draw him into your territory.

    3. Wait until winter sets in.

  5. #45
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    This is actually true, thought it was funny!

    Ted Nugent was asked by a journalist, "What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my brother?'"

    Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, 'what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away'. They are very much like the French."


  6. #46
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    Good one Jock!!!

  7. #47
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    Farm Kid...


    When you're from the country ~ your perception is a little different.


    A Missouri farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked
    at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door
    "Is your Dad home?"
    "No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
    "Well, is your Mother here?"
    "No sir, she went to town with Dad."
    "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
    "No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
    The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to
    the other, and mumbling to himself.
    "Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are,
    if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
    "Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to
    your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Linda,
    pregnant."'

    The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about
    that.. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I
    don't know how much he charges for Howard."

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    A robber goes into a bank with a gun. He shouts for everyone to get on the floor and gets all the money from the tellers. One of the people in the bank sneaks up behind him and rips his mask off. He promptly shoots him and then shoots another guy who happens to see his face.

    Livid, the robber shouts, "Alright! Who else saw my face?"
    A security guard raises his hand. He gets shot.
    "Anyone else?", He asks.
    An older gentleman raises his hand. Just as the robber is about to shoot him, the older gentleman shouts out, "Wait! It wasn't me!" Pointing his finger at a lady his same age, he says" I am sure that my wife saw your face".

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    ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION


    'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
    I have been with a loose girl'..

    The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

    'Yes, Father, it is.'

    'And who was the girl you were with?'

    'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

    "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
    so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

    'I cannot say.'

    'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

    'I'll never tell.'

    'Was it Nina Capelli?'

    'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

    'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

    'My lips are sealed.'

    'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

    'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

    The priest sighs in frustration.
    'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
    But you've sinned and have to atone.
    You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
    Now you go and behave yourself.'

    Joey walks back to his pew,
    and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
    'What'd you get?'

    'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

  10. #50
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    'Hello, is this the police?"

    "Yes it is. How can we help you?"

    "I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Wazza. He's hiding
    cocaine inside his firewood!"

    "Thank you very much for the call."

    The next day, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great
    numbers.

    They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept.

    Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no
    cocaine.

    They swear at Wazza and leave.

    The phone rings at Wazza's house. "Hey, Wazz, Did the cops come?"

    "Yeah!"

    "Did they chop up your firewood?"

    "Yep."

    "Happy Birthday, maaaaaaaaaate!!!"

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    Thank you, Aaron! those were fun!

  12. #52
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    Two hillbillies are having lunch when a woman seated nearby begins to choke.

    The first hillbilly asks her, "Kin ya swallar?"

    The woman shakes her head no.

    The hillbilly asks her "Kin ya breathe?"

    Woman shakes her head no.

    So the hillbilly walks over, lifts up her dress, yanks down her britches and licks her butt cheek.

    The woman has a violent spasm and spits out the food.

    The hillbilly's buddy says "Ya know, I heerd of that there hind-lick maneuver but I aint niver seed nobody do it..."

  13. #53
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    The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil.

    Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she
    slept through the class.
    One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
    'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'
    When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind
    her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
    'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.
    The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class..
    A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'
    But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her
    rescue and stuck her in the butt.
    'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.
    And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.
    The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she
    had her twenty-third child?'
    Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted,
    'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in
    half!'
    The nun fainted.

  14. #54
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    A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,
    'Let's talk.. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
    The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
    'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
    OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
    The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.
    To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know *****?'

  15. #55
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    We are getting some good laughs here Aaron!

  16. #56
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    ‎3 surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

    The 1st surgeon said, "Electricians are the best. Everything inside is color coded."

    The 2nd surgeon says, "No, I think librarians are. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order"

    The 3rd surgeon shut them up when he said:"You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.

  17. #57
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    Ahhh...succinct and to the point....

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    LOVE STORY

    I will seek and find you.
    I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

    I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

    I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

    I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.

    And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

    All my love,

    The Flu

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    Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar
    stool.

    One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the
    hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."

    The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite
    conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

    "Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year,
    rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

    "Ah, England !" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history,
    the beer, the culture..."

    "Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and
    Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English -
    they're so arrogant and rude."

    "So why keep going to England ?" asks the bartender.

    "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

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    Should a Child Witness Childbirth?
    Due to a power cut, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mother so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

    Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and patted him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
    The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

    Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place........smack him again!'

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