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Thread: Share your Jokes!

  1. #301
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    Bubba went to Alabama on a football scholarship. He was a good running back, but a poor student.

    At graduation day, Bubba didn't have enough credits. But he was a great football star and the students held a rally and demanded the dean give him a diploma anyway. They were so insistent that the dean agreed if Bubba could answer one question correctly he would give him a diploma.

    The one question test was held in the auditorium and the students packed the place. It was standing room only.

    The dean was on the stage and told Bubba to come up. The dean had the diploma in his hand and said, "Bubba, if you can answer this question correctly I'll give you your diploma." Bubba said he was ready and the dean asked him the question. "Bubba," he said, "How much is three times seven?"

    Bubba looked up at the ceiling and then down at his shoes, just pondering the question. The students began chanting, "Graduate him anyway! Graduate him anyway!"

    Then Bubba held up his hand and the auditorium became silent. Bubba said, "I think I know the answer. Three times seven is twenty-one."

    A hush fell over the auditorium...and then the Alabama students began another chant. "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"

  2. The Following 4 Members Say Thanks to Jim For This Post:

    Brian (January 16th, 2016),Chris (January 16th, 2016),Jackie (January 23rd, 2016),Tom (January 16th, 2016)

  3. #302
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    Why doesn't Batman go to church?

    Because Christian Bale.

  4. #303
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    One for FJ owners.
         
    ___________
    Chris in Florida

  5. #304
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    Hey, now...!

  6. #305
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    A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St Peter asked.

    'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!' St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

    'Couple of minutes ago.'

  7. #306
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    ....
         
    ___________
    Chris in Florida

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    I was trying to figure out what my parents did to kill boredom back before the internet was invented.

    I even asked my 26 brothers and sisters, but no one knew the answer.

  9. #308
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    ___________
    Chris in Florida

  10. #309
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    ...
         
    ___________
    Chris in Florida

  11. #310
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    Youbetcha - if I lived down in the swamplands...

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  13. #312
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    Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are in a bus that goes off a cliff, who survives? Answer, America
    ___________
    We do not remember days, we remember moments.

    Cesare Pavese

  14. #313
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    An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time, became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: Dr. Geezer’s clinic. “Get your treatment for $500, if not cured get back $1,000.”

    Doctor “Young,” who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know anything about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get an easy $1,000.
    So he went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic
    This is what happened.
    Dr. Young: “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?”
    Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.”
    Dr. Young: “Aagh! This is gasoline!”
    Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”
    Dr. Young gets annoyed and leaves in a haste. He’s angry now, and spends the next few days trying to figure out a way to recover his money. He returns to Dr. Geezer’s office once he thinks of a clever plan…
    Dr. Young: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”
    Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
    Dr. Young: “Oh no you don’t. That is Gasoline!”
    Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”
    Dr. Young, after having lost $1000 total, leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
    Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak. I can hardly see!”
    Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so… Here’s your $1000 back.”
    Dr. Young: “But this is only $500…”
    Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”
    Moral of story — Just because you’re “Young” doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an old “Geezer “
    ___________
    Chris in Florida

  15. The Following 2 Members Say Thanks to Chris For This Post:

    Brad (August 29th, 2016),Tom (August 28th, 2016)

  16. #314
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  17. #315
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    I think this guy is advertising his auto mechanic skills:
    Saw it on Facebook Marketplace! https://www.facebook.com/marketplace...04156500124265
         

  18. #316
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    Default Re: Share your Jokes!



    The neighbours have been complaining that my dogs are barking non-stop. I hate the electric zapping bark collars so I purchased a humane citronella collar, that way when the dogs barked, it shot out a blast of citronella under their nose and they don't like it. This particular morning I was getting the collars ready and filled them with their stuff. And that's where my morning should have ended. But no, it's me, and I begin to become curious as to how said collars work.
    Now I'm standing on my back porch "barking" at my dog's collar. Nothing happens. I make sure it's turned on, check the fill level, and go through the "getting started" check list one more time. Again, I bark. Nothing happens. Now I'm not quite sure, why I had this next thought, but I did; I put on the collar. I seriously extended the band and fit the growl box against my throat and barked. Apparently, the collar only works if it feels vibrations, because I immediately received a blast of citronella to the face.
    I began coughing, which only caused the collar to continue to squirt bug spray over and over into my nasal cavity.I'm now on my hands and knees in my back yard, trying to breathe, and to make matters worse, the dogs are now barking. So between coughing and yelling at the dogs to shut up, I've emptied over a dozen blasts of citronella to my face. During all of this ruckus, I'm trying to undo the clasp of the collar, which has somehow managed to weld shut during this whole fiasco.
    I finally get the collar off and threw, yes I threw that crazy (inhumane) thing across the yard, and lay in the grass sucking in the cool morning air. In the middle of thinking this probably the dumbest thing I've done in a while, I hear laughter. MY NEIGHBOR SAW THE WHOLE THING! He was laughing so hard he couldn't breathe. Between gasps, he tells me,"I was gonna come help, but every time I started to climb over the fence, you'd set it off again and then I would started laughing and couldn't make it" So now, not only are my eyes red, but my face and ears are too. After checking to make sure I was ok,we parted ways and I went in to shower so I wouldn't be smelling like ode de' Tiki Torch.
    So lesson learned: next time (yes, there will always be a next time with me) make sure that 1. Don't fill the collar before trying to set it off and B. Remember your neighbor is not a good source of help in a comedy crisis situation. On the plus side, I didn't have a mosquito problem for a few days!.....and now that even though this does sound like something I'd do I hate to break the news that it's a copied story that gave me a good chuckle so feel free to do the same.

  19. #317
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    Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home...
    Sergeant at Police Station: What is her height?
    Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. ...A little over five-feet tall.
    Sergeant: Weight?
    Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
    Sergeant: Color of eyes?
    Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
    Sergeant: Color of hair?
    Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember.
    Sergeant: What was she wearing?
    Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
    Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
    Husband: She went in my Jeep.
    Sergeant: What kind of Jeep was it?

    Husband: It's a 2010 Rubicon with Sprintex Supercharger with Intercooler, DiabloSport T-1000 Trinity Programmer, Teraflex Falcon 3.3 Shocks ,1350 RE Reel Drive Shafts, Method 105 Bead Locks, Toyo 37" X 13.5" Tires, Custom Olympic Off Road Front Bumper, Olympic Off Road Smuggler Rear Bumper with tire carrier, Seward Radius 4s LED Light, Seward 12" LED Light bar, 50" LED Light bar with, sPod LED switch pod with Boost gage,, Rigid LED Lights, 15# Power Tank, Rock Hard Cage, Rock Hard Under Armor, Posion Spyder Sliders, Posion Spyder Crusher Fenders, Posion Spyder Evap Armor, Posion Spyder Extreme Duty Trans-Mount Cross Member, Bushwacker rear armor, 5.13 Gears, Magnum 44 Front Axle, Off Road Evolution "C" Gussets, Cobra 75 CB Radio, Warn 10K on Front and 8K Winch on Rear, Bartact Seat Covers, Delta Quad Bar Xenon Headlamps,Tantrum LED Offroad Rock Lights, Teraflex HD Tie Rod, Teraflex Falcon Steering Stabilizer, Teraflex Alpine Long Control Arms Front & Rear, Teraflex 4" springs, Teraflex JK Performance Slotted Big Rotor Kit, TeraFlex Monster HD Forged Front Adjustable Trackbar, Teraflex Front & Rear Brake Line Kit, Teraflex Bump Stops Front & Rear, Surprise Straps, Hothead Headliner, Teraflex D-44 Diff Covers, Wild Boar Grille, Rigid Ridge Hood, Drake Hood Latch's & a Tuffy Security Drawer

    At this point the husband started choking up. . .

    Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your Jeep.
         

  20. #318
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    Haven't wrenched on the jeep in at least week - just been driving it and nothing serious seems to need attention...don't really know what to do when I get home these days.

    ___________
    James Orofino
    1970 CJ5
    1958 Willys Wagon

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    Had to share this...
         
    ___________
    ~Not All Who Wander Are Lost~ (at least not all the time)

  22. #320
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    While driving my CJ5 with the top off, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and rolled into a ditch. I was going pretty slow so when I got ejected, I severely banged my head but otherwise in ok condition. I know we should always ware seatbelts, but sometimes get lazy.

    Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new Rubicon pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?

    "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

    She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

    “That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!”

    “Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly.”

    Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

    We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

    “Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?”

    “Still in the ditch with the Jeep, I guess.”
    ___________
    James Orofino
    1970 CJ5
    1958 Willys Wagon

  23. The Following Member Says Thanks to FINOCJ For This Post:

    Tom (November 18th, 2019)

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